CONFUSED: Worry Syndrome

CONFUSED.

I am sorry but I don't know if it's just me or my physical body and mind can't take all the abuses.

I am a promdi and I find it difficult to look for places I have never been before in my life. Unlike Juli0V I use google, unfortunately some of the information on how to get to certain places are so vague for me to understand and some are simply obsolete. Texting other people for directions doesn't help. They simply don't answer or they answer too late. Like, more than 3 hours after and tell you they're done there (yeah, that place I was asking about) and had left the place already.  Oh yeah, what an answer, I was asking for directions so I am confused why the answer should be like that.

Maybe not a lot of you knew that I was bedridden before. Because if you see me now, you'll never thought that in the same month last year, I was in and out of the hospitals for check ups, physical therapy, rehabilitation doctor's consultation not to mention MRA/MRI, neurosurgeon visits, medications, lower back pains etc.

I am a one eyed bandit up until now. But, I don't let my disability get the best of me. Though my neurosurgeons ( I got two) advised me to take a rest, and don't worry in my lifetime. Inaalisan daw nila ako ng karapatan mag worry. Why? Because, I am a ruptured brain aneurysm survivor.

My classmate's brother is an aneurysm survivor too. And for the past three years, he had been operated twice. He spent his days, sitting on the veranda of their house from morning until evening. Napping in between. Like me, he was forbidden to work:-(

I have nothing against him. But I don't want to be like him. So, I decided to join events for bloggers here in the Metro. At first, I don't want to introduced myself to them seeing how healthy, young and vibrant they all are. I was like the Phantom of the Opera, hiding myself from them all. But, one day, I gather all the courage I could muster, snapped out of my shell and tried to carry on a conversation.

I have always been straight forward. I blamed it on how my brothers who wanted me to learn how to speak for myself and for my ex-best friend who exposed me to American custom, like saying what's on my mind.  The problem in the Philippines, is that if you have your own opinion totally different from the group they tend to outcast you, talk behind your back (yeah stabbed your back). They prefer plastic people. The ones who kiss their asses and follow them blindly. ( Without thinking that the same kiss-ass people are backstabbing them too).

The problem is like my late mama, I am such a worrier. I worry a lot especially about what people say on my back. Despite the words of wisdom of my Kuya. I tend to worry a lot. I can't help it. Maybe I should asked for an expert advise so I can get over this worry syndrome.

My kuya's words- "To heck with all of them, if they talk behind your back, its their problem not yours. Their jealous spirits will cope up with them and eat them alive one day so don't mind them. Besides its their lost not yours."

When I first re-learned how to walk again, I find it difficult to cross the street. I was so afraid. I know my fear has no basis. But I can't help it. I guess, if you've been staring at the ceiling for so so long ( more than a year) you fear to reintegrate with the society. Especially if the society you are about to join are not supportive but judgmental bunch.

Maybe, just maybe that's where being kind comes in. People who are innately and genuinely kind, would always offer a helping hand, empathize and adjust.

It is a good thing that I became a member of aneurysm survivors in Australia and the US.  Hey, don't be confused too. I am Philippine based but there is no support group for aneurysm survivors here in the Philippines just yet. 

From my support group, I learned that just like me, they too feel the same way I do. They were also afraid to cross the street. Fear about driving also ( I used to drive like hell was at my heels.) They also became melodramatic okay emotional is the right word. So, hindi ako nag iisa. Maybe these fears and confusion and physical drain and pains is not being melodramatic after all. It was the re-wiring of our coiled brains. For those who have not experienced all these, You are so lucky. But, if like them you'll judge us for our weaknesses, then I will be happy to trade places with you, so you'll experience it all by yourself.

For now,  I implore for your prayers for my continuous healing. I hope the aneurysm that my neurosurgeon found out late last year would miraculously disappear. Please help me pray for that my dear readers, friends and relatives.Thank you.